Saturday, November 1, 2008

Are men better at raising kids than women? (Miun-Pisa Discussion Forum 13)

12 comments:

Maria Bäckström said...

Hi
My name is Maria and my plan is to discuss if women are better suited than men to take care of the family and talk about:

·What about homosexual parents?

·Singleparent/widow

·Involvement `parenthood´

The other side of staying at home -the chance to influence their retirement

Is it a choice? What is the alternative?

I want to understand why such statement has become so infected and emotional to discuss and why they even exist. Who can decide and judge who are better suited to nurse and raise children? For example some say it is natural for women to stay at home to take care of the infants - but many mothers to day choose not to breastfeed their children and therefor –I think - nobody is irreplaceable.

I would also like to ask you:
Which one of your parents took care of your family when you grew up? Why? Was it a choice?

Has it affected your way of taking care of your family (a tradition)or how do you want your future family to be?

If you/your wife would like to work instead of stay at home taking care of the family– would it be ok?

I also wonder if I may use your comments in my essay? Tank you for helping me!
//
Maria

Unknown said...

In response to Maria..
Hi!! Your questions are really good questions with several different answers..I think that everyone could be a good parent. Man like woman..The problem isn't to be man or woman but to be able to be adult. In my country a lot of young people live with parents and without any resposability. When they decide to create a family is difficult for them to take care of their child. Doesn't exist a natural or unnatural way of life. Anyone is different, and there isn't a time's problem. For example, my mother has been able to raise me and my sister and to work all day in University. She loves her work and her daughter and she has been able to make me feel protected and never alone in all my life. So, I think that our culture influenced ourself more than natural behaviour.

Anna said...

In response to Maria,
Hi, here Anna and Eleonora.
Without a doubt this is a huge topic to discuss about..Indeed we have been talked about for 30 minutes. :-)
First of all, what do you mean by "single parent"? We can individualise three different cases:
- who becomes single parent after the child' birth because one parent leaves.
- a woman that gets pregnant without being sentimentally involved and decides to keep the child anyway
- a woman with a "sense of motherhood" but without a man.. who adopts a child or does the artificial insemination.

Furthermore what do you mean by "involvement parenthood"?

About homosexuality we think that this could be a bit "against nature". Since to have a child a man and a woman are necessary, growing up with homosexual parents could give a twisted view of reality to the child. But at the same time we think that what's important are affection, values and the presence of parents in children's life and a homosexual couple could give them in the same way than a heterosexual couple. In Italy, this possibiity is neither taken into consideration because of the religion.
Moreover, we should say that unfortunately in italy children grow up with a parent's presence not constant because of their work and in same case because of their hobbies.

We believe that, rather than to worry about the figures that grow up kids, we should think how much we can take care of our children before taking a such important decision.

Maria Bäckström said...

Hi Chaira,Anna and Eleonora!
Tank you for your respons. I was so very glad to hear from you!

The reson I took this topic is because I have 4 children of my own. I spent 10 years staying home to be with them. Why did I do that and not my husband?
After this 10 years I started to study and raising children at the same time. I started to be really tired. But I did. Why? Is it not alright for a mother only to stay at home? No, because I had to think about the time when I am getting older and my retirement.
I think that tradition is that women are supposed to stay at home - but in thees modern days we are also supposed to make a career because we live in 2008... whas I the best parent to stay at home at that time? Tired and exhausted -never really had quality time with our children?

I agree with you Chaira that everyone can be a good parent. In Sweden we can stay at home for 450 days with a newborn child (about 1,5 year). We have to share theese days 225 to the mother and 225 to the father. But we have some problem with fathers that never uses their days and give them to the mother. I whant to know why? Is it a tradition? Is it something that lies deep in our blood?
With involment parenthood I mean that both parents are equl sharing the responibility to rais the family.

In sweden it is begining to be common for homosexual couples to have babies. Two couples that decides to get pregnat and rais the baby together. Does it affect the child?
Anna and Eleonora said it could be aginst nature - and that is what most people think. But I do belive that they still love their beby as much as anyone else.

A single parent is a mother or a fahter that have been rasing the child alone for some reason. Does it affect the child?
Chaira said it very good - she has always felt that her mother loved her during her childhood and I think that is the most important thing. A parent/parents that shows tender and love give their children a good start for the rest of their life.


Bye and thank you so very much for tanken your time answering this subject. :-)
//
Maria

debbie said...

In response to Maria!

Hi I'm Debbie!
I find your topic very
interesting because next March I'm going to live together with by
boyfriend after eight years of being together. I have thought about my future family since our relationship started.
My family is an Italian
traditional one: my mother stays at home with my sister and me and my
father works as boat engineer.
He spends a lot of time abroad, so my
mother always takes important decisions and manages the family money
all by herself.
She is a great woman and decides to stay home also
because my grandmother didn't live in our town and wasn't able to look
after us.
I think that this kind of family is typical because in Italy
a woman hardly finds a better job than her husband. It's difficult to
have a family and to have a great career at the same time.

In my private experience my boyfriend has a stable job and I’m at the end of my Art studies. I would like to find a work in this field but here in Italy it’s very difficult. I’m lucky because my partner is a perfect housewife and if I found a great employment he would stay at home with kids for the first period.
He drives trains and he could take a long time to raise children.
He can cook: he makes pasta, pizza and oriental dishes! He’s great with babies!
But not all Italian men are like him. Nowadays Italian women have to work because life is really expensive and are helped by grandparents and quite always spend at home the baby’s first months. I think that a balanced cooperation of the couple is the best thing for a son. So a mother can stay at home but the male must help during this difficult time.

In Italy homosexual people can’t marry and have babies. Our minds are not very opened about this delicate topic. I believe that there are a lot of bad parents in heterosexual couples: they don’t want and don’t want to know how to raise a son but they are parents the same. This is because I think that if you really want to be mother or father you should have the chance to feel this amazing feeling. A lot of lesbians have kids thanks to insemination so maybe it’s better to give clear rules.
The only problem is to understand the society behaviour and the children reaction to traditional family: is a little boy able to understand why he has two father and the his friends on the other hand have a mother and a father?

Women are not better in looking after babies, our society makes us thinking like that! Men must understand that cooperation is the right choice for a happy family.

Debbie

G. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
G. said...

In response to Maria.

Hi Maria! I hope that you'd like to know a man's opinion too (only women wrote down in this forum).
I think that both women and men are able to bring up children but it isn't a problem of ability.
Rather it's a matter of choices and priorities. When a couple decides on having child, both the man and the woman already know the efforts they have to make. If they don't want to leave their child to a babysitter or to granparents, it's inevitable that one of them has to spend more time at home!!! When the child was born, usually, in Italy, the woman spends this more time at home for several great causes.
First, she feeds (and a man can't do it...at least for now).
Second, she can take advantage of maternity benefits .
Third, she always complains about what a man does with their child and at home (homework, cooking, clothes etc...) and this isn't due to man's inability but to her being a woman!!!
I don't think that men don't want to spend time with their children, but women don't allow them to do this!!!! Women are convinced they are better than men, but it isn't so!!!

About homosexual couples I think that they shouldn't adopt children because it's important that around a child there are both mother and father figure otherwise the child could have serious problems of sexual identification...Let's not be selfish, think best for our present and future children!

Cristina said...

In response to Maria

Hi Maria!
We are Lorenza, Cristina and Maria.
We are discussing above all about this: in our opinion both women and men are able to take care of children but the problem is that in Italy many men are mummy's boy.
It means that they live with their parents until thirty years or more and so they aren't used to do housework and they aren't independent enough to take care of themselves and obviously of an other person.
Italian mothers should change this behaviour with the same education for male and female.

Bye.

Ele said...

In response to Maria..

Hi!
Thank you for your answer.
According to me it’s a very difficult subject to talk about.
By tradition it’s a women’s duty to look after the children and to take care of the house, contrariwise it’s men’s one to work and to earn money for his family.
Nowadays, fortunately in my opinion, women have a job, aspire to a career and to get real gratification from their work. But the rest doesn’t change: women have to do the same tasks when they return home after work. But why? You’re absolutely right: why a husband can’t do the same things then a wife? Or, at least, the half?
A man who lives alone, often takes care of his house, but when there’s a woman in the same room he forgets anything…(However in Italy this situation isn’t very common because single men usually live with their parents also when they’re 30 and more..)
Furthermore there’s worse: a friend of mine, for example, maintains that his future wife will have to stay at home with their children and she won’t work!!
In my opinion a woman should may choose about her future freely.
By looking into the future I hope to have a big family and many children, but I’d like also to found a job which reflects my expectations. Surely I’ll have children, if I am able to look after them and to have quality time with them, because I don’t want that they grow up with a “30% mother”.
I know that this is a future not easily feasible, but I am young and optimist …so let me dream!
Eleonora

Giancarlo said...

Hi everybody!
This is what I think about this question.

I wouldn't say that men are better at raising kids than women, as well as I wouldn't say the opposite.
I think that parents are both very important.
It's important that both mother and father cooperate in taking care of the house and children, at the same time I think that both man and woman have the right, if they desire it, to have a job outside home and I know that it often implies many problems.
Traditionally - and still nowadays - the role of woman has been wider and more important and we are still used to it however in the last decades the situation has been slowly changing; woman is taking a larger role in society and men are rightly expected to be more present and collaborative inside the family.
I think that woman's role remains fundamental in the first months of the child's life but surely lately various tasks can and should be divided between mother and father; they must be collaborative and understanding to each other, so I think that taking care of children and doing the various jobs that this implies should be divided among parents not strictly at 50% but in relation to their job's needs or to special problems and needs they can have in a certain time.

Raising kids is a very complicated and demanding thing (I don't have children but I think that those of you that do have can confirm it!) and surely it is more difficult for those who, for various reasons, have to do it alone.
It implies responsabilities, abilities – made both of natural abilities and things you have to learn - and maturity.
I think that those who desire to have a child should think of all problems that may be concerned in the future, I say this because of the quality of the relationship between parents and children that sometimes, looking at some couples, doesn't seem good because of a lack of happiness in being parents. So I wouldn't say that being a good parent is something connected to being man or woman, it is rather connected to a real desire of having children – in this sense there are some people that would better have chosen not to be parents, after all having children is a choice, it is not obligatory -.
I think that parents should be helped and be in condition to find some help from 'outside': especially here in Italy, there should be more services for parents, for example nursery schools in work places that are very useful to reconcile work with family commitments.

I don't completely agree with what Lorenza, Cristina and Maria wrote about the fact that 'in Italy many men are mummy's boy. It means that they live with their parents until thirty years or more and so they aren't used to do housework and they aren't independent enough to take care of themselves and obviously of an other person'.
I wouldn't generalize. There are different reasons why young men live with their parents and not only simply because they are mummy's boys. Moreover there are a lot of them that collaborate inside their home and that, also thanks to the kind of education they have received and to past experiences in their life, are indipendent when they are alone and that are able to cook, shop, wash dishes, etc.
Taking care of a child, as well as living together with another person, it's not simply a question of ability but above all of maturity, that is something connected with your mind, education, personal experiences, view of life. And there are many men that, although they live by their own, are very far from maturity. Obviously living alone teaches them how to face some responibilities that they don't have when they're alone.
One specification is necessary: when I talk about maturity I refer to something that is needed to have children, but I'm not saying that you become mature only when you have children; infact I think that one person is mature indipendently by the fact that they have children or not (even though this obviously makes you become 'a more mature person').

Lavinia said...

Hi everybody!
I’ m very glad to discuss about this topic. I hope I’ll able to explain all my thoughts.
First of all, in response to the main question “Are men better at raising kids than women?” I think that nowadays is not as important the sex of the person who takes care of its kids (father or mother) as the consciousness of the responsibilities, of the commitment, of the renunciations and of all that deals with the meaning of the word “parent”. I think that the “profession” of parent is very complex and difficult and it’s necessary to be ready to begin it. I alight on this because unfortunately many times lots of couples decide to have a child without think if they have the right maturity to face a situation such as the one to raise a child and then they run against something that is bigger as they think.
In the first lines I said “nowadays” about the little importance of the parent’s sex because the society changed and more and more women didn’t stay at home as housewives but are successful from a working point of view and it isn’t unusual that is a man who takes care of the children because he has a job that allows him to have the free afternoon and in this case is the man who looks after all children’s questions such as doing homeworks. I think that parents should be collaborative and help each other to try to manage family’s issues in the best way they can.
In response to Maria with regard to the possibility for homosexual couples to raise kids I think that is a delicate issue especially in our country. Italy in fact is a country of Catholic roots and even though I agree with Debbie that there are lots of bad parents in the heterosexual world and that probably homosexual parents could be ready to give a grate love to the child I think also that this situation (the fact for a child to have two mothers or two fathers) is strongly discriminatory- in our society- for the child and may cause him serious psychological problems.

Lavinia

Mariagrazia said...

I WON’T LIE TO YOU, FATHERHOOD ISN’T EASY LIKE MOTHERHOOD!! Doh
(Homer Simpson)

Hi there!

well, first of all I suggest the title of this blog should change for "Are man
GOOD AT raising kids?"

I'm kidding!!:-)
It's just a provocation! ;-)

But seriously, I ask you… Usually, who looks after puppies in animal kingdom? The male or the female?
In general, females have more ability to take care of newborns than males, and this is due to their different physiological and genetic features. So I would answer that males aren’t the better at raising kids.

However, about humans it’s a bit different… I think it is much esier to become a parent than to be a one! So, according to this point of view there isn’t a parent better at raising kids than other one. Father and mother should equally contribute to the growth of their children.
The fact that father is a “breadwinner” and mother is an housewife, that takes care of kids, is only a thing of the past. Nowadays, in the most of case, both parents work, so they should help each other to look after the offspring.
But we know this isn’t how matters stand!
While I was looked for some articles about this topic, I found some internet sites for dads, like “DAD talk”, in which there were advice, blog, interviews and much help, all this to be a dad more conscious about fatherhood… but I was very surprise when I visited the site of U.S. Department of Health&Human Services where a lot of programs about fatherhood are listed, for example the “Promoting Responsible Fatherhood Through Child Care” program deals with the involvement of fathers in some activities of their children by specific steps that include:
• Arranging special father-child activities;
• Recruiting fathers to volunteer in the classroom;
• Sponsoring fatherhood workshops and discussion groups;
• Ensuring that fathers are depicted in newsletters and classroom posters;
and
• Matching fatherless children with male mentors.
This means fathers play a key role in children growth and for this reason is important to involve and educate those offish ones to be more operative with their kids.

And about househusband?
Don’t worry, now I’ve finished, I talk about them the next time…

Mariagrazia